I really wanted to..
But my vagina was not speaking a language understandable to my brain..
Psychology overpowered physiology..
Hell,you are a beautiful man..and I wanted to have you as you were..
Then my worst fears were confirmed..
The same ugly wound I’ve been nursing for the past one and a half years,still evidently fresh.
I couldn’t do a damned thing..
I saw monstrousity where beauty once laid..
You love me I know..
I can tell by the way you kiss each one of my flaws.And tell me that I am a perfect woman in your eyes.
You look at me with admiration,passion,hot hot desire..
I’m scared I can’t handle any more hurt..
The one did too much damage.
I am afraid of my own being..
I can’t trust my own body to feel the right things nor my unconscious mind to execute the duty it was born to do.
Yesterday I got quite the wake-up call,I am incapable of love.
I wish I could say I am a pathetic human being…but.I did not destroy myself.Maybe I did.I allowed what I allowed.I couldn’t help what I couldn’t help.
The nasty scar,creeps its loathesome head every time I smile at you,reminds me what blushing led me to the last time I blushed.
I feel recentful towards him.
Hell,he broke me in ways that rendered me unfixable for years..maybe decades..or maybe forever.
And even though he’s no more,still,I live in his dark spiteful bubble.Remain haunted,crippled…pained.
I dance here,hoping to someday shake off his itchy feel from my skin..
I smile,I can’t let them see my level of brokenness. And that I can’t show the depth of my depraved soul,breaks me even more.
Still I wonder,how long will I chase his ghost,needing to kill it a thousand times? One death wouldn’t be enough to make up for half the torture I’ve been through..
How long will I let unwelcome memories dictate my life?
How long will I be enemy to the mighty penis?